The Silent Sandglass

I feel vulnerable today
Having lived to this day
How long will life go on?
How much more is left within?
How far am I from moving on?
When my heart would lay bare,
All feigning gone?
For years I have chanted the Divine words,
But have I heeded?
They admonished me, gave me wise warnings,
But did I understand, did I listen?
Or have I drifted with the chaos?
Chosen to be enslaved, when I was free?
I see the world,
I am shown the Signs.
As I see dear ones bidding farewell to this earthly abode,
I wonder, is He saying something….perhaps to me?

It’s the sixth day of Ramadan. I am in the masjid praying taraweeh. I glance to my left and see a frail, old lady. Tears fill my eyes. I wonder how much time I have before my youth fades away and I, too, turn into a fragile, old woman...or will I breathe my last much sooner?

On my way back home, I am agitated by a sense of urgency. Tonight, I yearn. An ever increasing hankering pervades my entire being. I have a heightened sense of anxiousness tonight. I fear the inevitable; the sand in the hourglass might be approaching its end whilst I live in delusion. This uncertainty evokes a visceral longing to fulfill my purpose of creation. I fear that the hourglass may come to a halt and I will have to return to my Lord, without having accomplished anything of significance. I fear that I may return to Him empty handed, with my scrolls barren of any deed worthwhile - of an empty canvas that I was meant to paint - having failed to fulfill my task. I fear that I may disappoint my Lord for breaching terms in this contract of life. For long I have tried to assuage these feelings and convince myself that perhaps I still have time, but how do I know? I now realize how miserably I have failed.

I may have not discovered the Light - yet. In fact, tonight I feel empty. My emptiness is more piercing than ever. But, Ya Rabbi, I raise my hands to You in awe of Your Greatness and beg of You this: I earnestly desire Your Light. It encompasses me, but I fail to see it. Ya Rabbi, open my eyes to Your Light. Fill my mind, my heart, my soul, my body, and my life with Your Light. Ya Rabbi, help me to fulfil my purpose and return to You with my hands filled with gifts for You so that I may rejoice and not regret when the sand finally ceases to flow in the sandglass.